The Disrespectful Dating Man

September 15, 2012

I want to commiserate with you about the guy who has been calling you and how he gushes attention and then pulls back. Warning! That is a big warning! Such guys are often the “nice/mean, nice/mean” type –the “attentive/neglectful, attentive/neglectful” type. If he’s doing this now, will he not do it later? He undoubtably will. Such guys are into themselves, and because they are filled with pride, they find their agenda and feelings more important than anyone else’s. They keep as many women as they can “at bay” so that they can fulfill their desires and their appetite for variety, and keep their choices open.

Such men are often the passive-aggressive (PA) types. PAs are very frustrating people to work with, live with, be friends with, and especially be in a romantic relationship with, for they are not honest even with themselves about their own feelings, let alone honest with others concerning what is going on in their heart and mind and life –even if, at the same time, they make it appear that they are “an open book”. They will behave in ways that confuse or anger others, but they do it subtly so that by getting the other person upset, they can blame that person for problems in the relationship and make themselves look like a victim. People who do this often have big sins they are trying to minimize, and they attempt this minimization by trying to accentuate other people’s sins –especially the people closest to them who, if they were not sent confusing messages to keep their good judgement off-balance, would either leave them, rebuke them, or call them to account. But that is precisely what PAs don’t want –because then their pride is hurt and they not only lose one of their choices, but they lose a big portion of their feelings of power. And power is one thing PAs deeply crave.

Why, if this guy loves and trusts God so much, is he needing to “date around”? Such a thing is for those who don’t know the Lord very well, not a middle-age preacher of the Gospel. This guy should be conducting himself in spiritual maturity, which means, waiting on God’s best for him as he prays, fasts, seeks God’s will in His Word, and continues to serve the Lord with a pure and undivided heart. God is perfectly able to bring him a good wife in His timing and way, not men’s timing or the world’s way. If this guy believes the Word of God, such as Prov. 19:14, then even though he petitions God about it, he should be leaving the choosing up to the Lord. If he lacks faith and patience for this, then he should at least date only one woman at a time and be doing so with the utmost respect characteristic of a true man of God. But… truly… it sounds like this guy is not the kind of guy who should be preaching to others, but is instead in need of some serious examining of his own self before the Lord. Besides, if he so offended his wife that she wanted the divorce, then unless she is already remarried, he should be waiting and praying for reconciliation, or even trying to woo her back.

For this guy to be calling you and telling you that he wants to come across the country to meet you in person, even while he continues to date others and neglects to call you for days, is a type of disrespect. And a guy who disrespects a woman this early in the relationship, will almost certainly disrespect her later. Might this disrespect be why his ex-wife wanted the divorce? Let’s remember that even if a “Christian” man doesn’t ruin his marriage through adultery, he can ruin it by demanding that his doctrines are the ones that the family must adhere to –or else! Yea, or else have to live with the hostility of a dictator who is not getting his way.

Before you waste your heart’s affection any longer, or waste your time with him coming to see you, I’d take him up on that offer to talk with his ex-wife. Being extra cautious about such a guy who already has you upset (and for good reason, though he would try to persuade you that you don’t have any reason to be upset), could save you from a mountain of grief. The Lord sure doesn’t want that for you, and He can either bring you the right guy or give you joy in your singleness.

with love,

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